Epic Sh*t My Patients Say

K: Alright, mister! I’ve got your antibiotic to give you.
Pt: Why don’t you just give me your hand in marriage! You’d make a great third wife and you’re not married, so let’s go!
K: How do you know I’m not married? I have gloves on!
Pt: I scoped it out earlier…. I’m one of those… Ah, I can’t remember the word…!!!! Someone who follows you….
K: Stalker?
Pt: YES!!!!! I’m typically a stalker.
K: I see, interesting…! *simultaneously flips over ID badge*

K: Okay, Mr. G (psych pt on hold, sitter) it’s time for your meds.
Pt: Can we wait 15 mins? I know I have to take them but I’m not ready yet.
K: 15 mins… No problem!
*strolls back in and patient eyeballs me*
Pt: You know… I was thinking that you are so beautiful….. Not anymore! It’s over between us.

Damn. Broken up with by 9am.

Dear Patient’s Wife ~

Unless you want your sweet/sassy/snarky/fun loving nurse to have a heart attack…. Please avoid the code blue button when trying to find the light switch.

Love and dilaudid,
Kiki