Epic Sh*t My Patients Say

K: *receives phone call from cardiology team* Hey, just FYI, I got a call from the lab, the patient’s troponin level is 0.371
Doc: Uh huh… So, what do you propose we do about that?
K: *crickets… crickets… Is she serious?* Well, perhaps you could order an EKG? And come see the patient to see if he needs to be moved to a higher level of care?
Doc: Ah, yes. Good ideas.

Pt: *actively throwing up, eyeballing me*
K: *hands him a basin*
Pt: I remember you… You’re an amazing dancer.
K: *raises brow*
Pt: No one would forget that face and body. *string of turkey hanging out of mouth*
K: Mkay, call me when you’re done throwing up! :)

*Pt & Wife discussing his heart health while he hops onto the OR stretcher*
Wife: Well, I just want your heart to be healthy!
Pt: *grumbles* I know where this is going.
Wife: No, no, I’ll still have sex with you. I just don’t want you dying on me! LITERALLY.
Wife to Nurse K: My friends husband literally died on top of her, you know, during the act, missionary style!
K: Guess that means one should always date younger!
*Wife and pt snicker*
Pt: No. Two rules. Rule #1: Always date younger. Rule #2: Always doggy style.
*Bahahahahaha.*

K: Hi! My name is Kerith, I’ll be your nurse today. *smiles*
Pt: Karen?
K: Nope, Kerith.
Pt: Kara?
K: Nope, KERITH. (Note, pt is young)
Pt: Ah, Kerith… Hmm… Did your mom have a lisp or something? Wow.

Yeah, so, you’ll get your pain meds for your 10/10 pain level in approximately….. 5 hours. Don’t mess with my mom!

K: Alright, mister! I’ve got your antibiotic to give you.
Pt: Why don’t you just give me your hand in marriage! You’d make a great third wife and you’re not married, so let’s go!
K: How do you know I’m not married? I have gloves on!
Pt: I scoped it out earlier…. I’m one of those… Ah, I can’t remember the word…!!!! Someone who follows you….
K: Stalker?
Pt: YES!!!!! I’m typically a stalker.
K: I see, interesting…! *simultaneously flips over ID badge*

K: Okay, Mr. G (psych pt on hold, sitter) it’s time for your meds.
Pt: Can we wait 15 mins? I know I have to take them but I’m not ready yet.
K: 15 mins… No problem!
*strolls back in and patient eyeballs me*
Pt: You know… I was thinking that you are so beautiful….. Not anymore! It’s over between us.

Damn. Broken up with by 9am.

Dear Patient’s Wife ~

Unless you want your sweet/sassy/snarky/fun loving nurse to have a heart attack…. Please avoid the code blue button when trying to find the light switch.

Love and dilaudid,
Kiki

Theme song for work this last week: Ke$ha - Blow. Please picture an entire hospital ward of patients lined up singing and grinding to this song, high on narcotics, anti-anxiety meds, some of them in neck collars, others as amputees, using their IV tubing to gain their equilibrium (or as jump rope) as each oncoming shift rolls in. :) Here’s hoping for an excellent day!

..when a team of doctors give you high fives for their patient having a BM after 3 days. :D

Moi: You’re kinda ornery today!! I think you like messing with me.
Pt: Welp. I was in the army for 21 years, so you either sh*t on others, or get sh*t on. I decided to be the sh*tter.
Moi: Well……. I hate to say it, but brown isn’t really my color, so maybe we can just be equals instead?
Pt: Bahahahaha, I think I’ve met my match. Deal.