Epic Sh*t My Patients Say

Pt: *actively throwing up, eyeballing me*
K: *hands him a basin*
Pt: I remember you… You’re an amazing dancer.
K: *raises brow*
Pt: No one would forget that face and body. *string of turkey hanging out of mouth*
K: Mkay, call me when you’re done throwing up! :)

*Pt & Wife discussing his heart health while he hops onto the OR stretcher*
Wife: Well, I just want your heart to be healthy!
Pt: *grumbles* I know where this is going.
Wife: No, no, I’ll still have sex with you. I just don’t want you dying on me! LITERALLY.
Wife to Nurse K: My friends husband literally died on top of her, you know, during the act, missionary style!
K: Guess that means one should always date younger!
*Wife and pt snicker*
Pt: No. Two rules. Rule #1: Always date younger. Rule #2: Always doggy style.
*Bahahahahaha.*

K: Hi! My name is Kerith, I’ll be your nurse today. *smiles*
Pt: Karen?
K: Nope, Kerith.
Pt: Kara?
K: Nope, KERITH. (Note, pt is young)
Pt: Ah, Kerith… Hmm… Did your mom have a lisp or something? Wow.

Yeah, so, you’ll get your pain meds for your 10/10 pain level in approximately….. 5 hours. Don’t mess with my mom!

K: Alright, mister! I’ve got your antibiotic to give you.
Pt: Why don’t you just give me your hand in marriage! You’d make a great third wife and you’re not married, so let’s go!
K: How do you know I’m not married? I have gloves on!
Pt: I scoped it out earlier…. I’m one of those… Ah, I can’t remember the word…!!!! Someone who follows you….
K: Stalker?
Pt: YES!!!!! I’m typically a stalker.
K: I see, interesting…! *simultaneously flips over ID badge*

K: Okay, Mr. G (psych pt on hold, sitter) it’s time for your meds.
Pt: Can we wait 15 mins? I know I have to take them but I’m not ready yet.
K: 15 mins… No problem!
*strolls back in and patient eyeballs me*
Pt: You know… I was thinking that you are so beautiful….. Not anymore! It’s over between us.

Damn. Broken up with by 9am.

K: Hi there! My name is K, I’ll be your nurse today!
Pt: Well hellllloooooo! I have a joke for you!
K: You do, hmm?! *notices sh*t eating grin* Uh oh…
Pt: Know why life is like a sore penis?
K: *blinks*
Pt: You can’t beat it!!
K: Awesome opener!

Pt: Do you like your job? Are pts mean sometimes?
K: I LOVE it. :) Sometimes they are not the happiest.
Pt: I decided 20 years ago I was going to be nice today and every day.
K: I like that outlook. :)
Pt: Yep. People don’t realize that love and humor can go a long way. You’ve made me laugh so many times today, a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day.

Pt: HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
K: *Hmm. Should probably go check on screaming pt w trach* Hey Mr. S, do you need something?
Pt: YOUR BODY.
K: *Reverses out of room* :)

K: Did you use your inhaler?
Pt: Yep. Don’t believe me?! *puff puff puff puff*
K: STOP! You don’t need 18 doses!
Pt: Kiss me and then you’ll know for sure.
K: Uhhh no.
Pt: Bad santa.

*Two nurses enter stage left, to observe a pool of cranberry-ish cocktail, eyebrows raise then furrow*
Pt: Ughhh.
Nurses: Ughhhh! *Proceed to do clean up on aisle 106*
Nurse 1: Mk, stand up for me, but please, whatever you do, don’t puke on me.
Pt: If I was 20 years younger, I would’ve licked it off of you.
Nurses: Bahahahahhahahahaha. Oh my god.
Pt: I’m a pistol.